COPING with the HOLIDAYS
Holidays stress us…did you know not all stress is harmful? Some are good stressors and some are not so good. Some of the good things people enjoy about the holidays are parties, food, lights, seeing friends, receiving gifts, family. And some of the ways people show they are feeling good stress is they are happy, content, relaxed, funny, they laugh more, and are easy going.
Some of the things that can affect us negatively concerning the holidays are family, expectations to be happy, go to parties, give gifts, traffic, shopping, crowds, and other stressors can include finances, weather,day to day living that continues, travel/packing, cooking, entertaining, bad memories and triggers, and grieving.
Some of these are on both lists. Finding out which of these stressors affect you the most and how you react negatively when stressed will help you address the issues for you during the holidays.
Some examples are feeling NUMB, UPSET, MISERABLE, DISTRACTED, IRRITABLE, FRUSTRATED, RUSHED, SICK HIDING, DRIVE LESS SAFELY, LESS FOCUSED,CRY, FIGHT WITH OTHERS, TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY,DON’T EAT, DON’T SLEEP,POOR WORK/SCHOOL WORK, DRAINED, FATIGUED,CONFUSED, DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS/PANICKY
Keeping your own holiday situations in mind… Let’s now review 10 Cognitive Distortions that are the most common. (I refer to Burn’s Feeling Good Handbook.) Try and notice any of these that you have with regards to how you view your holidays.
1) ALL OR NOTHING THINKING 2) OVER-GENERALIZATION 3) MENTAL FILTER 4) DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE 5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS 6) MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION 7) EMOTIONAL REASONING 
SHOULD STATEMENTS 9) LABELING AND MISLABELING 10) PERSONALIZATION
When you find yourself reacting to a bad family situation, or a invite to a party you dread, or whatever situation that you identified early in chat… stop yourself, realize it isn’t a good way to cope, and that in itself will help you get through it easier.
Three areas of concern for the holidays are FINANCES, NEGATIVE PEOPLE, and GRIEF. We may have these all through the year but at holiday time they are “increased.” One reason they affect us more is that it’s the holidays and you’re supposed to be happy. Remember, thinking thoughts like that make us feel worse. (By using always, never, ought, should and in this case “supposed to.”)I referred to the common cognitive distortions (you can find these at the top of the psychotherapy forum at www.PsychCentral.com)LET’S TALK A BIT ABOUT GRIEF. Missing someone during the holidays can be one of the hardest feelings to work through. All year long you may have kept your grief at bay– and then during the holiday season, your longing overcomes you and you melt into a puddle of tears. I encourage you to allow yourself to cry. Some people fear allowing the tears, afraid they will never stop crying. But the tears will stop. (((HUGS)))
One way to help manage the grief is to take time out to think about your loss, and to cry. When you feel like you are all those feelings that grief involves, take time. If not right then, then schedule a time. Say, “As soon as I’m done with making this list, I’m taking time.” Take this time for yourself. Time to reflect. We can all benefit from this. It’s not only “okay” but necessary.’
DURING THAT grieving TIME THINK ABOUT THE PERSON YOU MISS. Spend the time acknowledging your loss. Finish the time (whether 10 or 50 minutes) with a few words “to” them: pay some tribute to them, and tell yourself, “I DO MISS XXXXX SO MUCH, BUT I HAVE THEIR MEMORY TO SHARE MY HOLIDAY WITH.” You will find that by taking this time (THAT YOU MAY NOT THINK YOU CAN AFFORD TO USE THIS WAY) you will find yourself able to manage the rest of your time better.Another way to manage your grief is to obtain enough rest. Again, if you must schedule this in, do so. You think you can’t take this time, but you must. “Doctor’s orders.” 
We all know about “POWER NAPS” and if you haven’t tried one, now (WELL, NOT RIGHT NOW) is a good time to try. Taking 2 or 3 rest times in a day will allow you to perform your other tasks. This is one example of “slower is faster” concept you may have heard of. Give yourself permission for “me” time.
Another way to manage as you go through these tough days is to allow yourself to NOT be at your “best. Know that later on, you’ll do better. I like the term to “shield” yourself that I read about in one of the links Docjohn has on the home page at psych central. Shield yourself from things, and people, that tend to stress you out more, and upset you.Now, When you’re invited to a party, or family gathering, think about and find out about it first.WHO WILL BE THERE? HOW LONG DOES IT LAST? HOW LONG WILL I STAY? WILL I GO AT ALL OR SKIP THAT ONE? WHAT WILL “REALLY” BE EXPECTED OF ME? HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE?
By asking these questions, you will be creating a base to stand upon for good self care. Now that you have in mind what the situation presents, you can decide how you can, or if you will participate. YOU do NOT have to go, nor stay if you are not able to participate. You can decide this. No one else is able to know what you can and cannot handle. This is your most important decision.
Don’t wait till you’re there in the thick of things to try and decide what is good self care. If you decide to go (or to leave early) just saying so is enough of a response. Trying to make or give an excuse will only give the other person fuel for a rebuttal. Just saying “I won’t be there” or “I am unable to come” or if those are too strong, “I won’t be able to stay long.” Will suffice. Say the same phrase, even if you change the words around, if they beg you. “I know, but I won’t be able to come. ” or “I’m leaving now.” (With a smile on your face.)
Give yourself permission to be your own boss, to be an adult. For those of you who are living in your parent’s home, you can still decide how much is enough for you. Make sure you present any “argument” for your parent without whining. “Mom I really think if I stay out here others will know how miserable I’m feeling right now.”
One of the outcomes of mismanged grief can be overspending. The holidays can cost money you don’t have, add grieving to the mix and you end up in great emotional and financial debt. Don’t allow the season, others, nor trying to feel better, and certainly not guilt, cause you to spend money you don’t have. The world won’t end if you limit your spending. The average person’s best memories of a holiday rarely includes the price of the gift.
By realizing the tendency to overspend when stressed you will be better able to limit yourself. Don’t allows others to pressure you to spend. Tell yourself that it’s stress that is telling you to buy, buy, buy. For some, during the holidays you also have to mingle with people we would otherwise avoid. Does the idea of “family” come to mind? This is a good time to step back, take a distant perspective, and keep them at bay from your feelings. Try and tell yourself phrases like: “That statement she just made was really dumb” (If it was.) “She doesn’t really know me at all, so what she says, doesn’t affect me. He always makes mean comments. That’s his problem and not mine.” “I’m not going to let anything xxxx says affect me, what she says is all about her, and not me.”
Families often revert to their ways of treating each other like they did when young and living at home. For some, the old family rules somehow come back into play. Be strong and stay within your own rules. Even if that means stating that you aren’t under the old house rules any more.
During the holidays our patience can be stretched to it’s limits. Even so, try to remain within the spirit of the season. You can let more things run off your back (but I’m not calling you a duck) than in day to day living, because it IS the holidays.
If you can keep some of these comments in mind, I think you will enjoy this time of year a little more.